Found this online and couldn’t stop laughing.
- If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
- When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.
- Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
- I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
- To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
- If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
- Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
- If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”
- If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
- If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, ummmm, boy.
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
- Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
- If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
- As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!!