Read this post and you’ll know what I mean.
He’s honest, funny and intelligent but not a Patriots fan.
Can’t win ’em all, right?
I asked him to write a post for me months ago (he thought I was kidding).
When he realized I wasn’t he leaned into the strike zone and took one for the team.
Personally, I think he hit this one out of the park.
Without further ado, I hand it over to the ever imaginative and talented Grimm.
(aka, “The Doctor of Love”)
Thanks, buddy. Good stuff.
The Emergency Medical Kit
The Emergency Medical Kit was a Christmas present for my wife years ago when our little girl was just a newborn. Money was very scarce and everything we had went to making our daughters first Christmas something memorable, so an expensive present was out of the question – but I still wanted her to have something special to know how much I cared.
While sitting around wondering what the hell I was going to do, I became fixated on my wife’s prenatal vitamins. From there I wondered what kind of vitamins I could give her that would be fun and interesting. Thankfully, the vitamins became candy, and the vitamin bottle became a set of children’s plastic cups with a straw opening on the lid.
I made the medicines out of discussions we have had over the course of our marriage about what we liked most about each other and things we would like to do together. The names were the fun part, as I was able to call on my Sniglets expertise to try and create something that my warped sense of humor thought was funny.
After making the cups of candy “official” by placing the label on each of them, I decorated a shoe box into a poor mans First Aid Kid and wrapped the whole thing up in wrapping paper. It took awhile for the wife to realize just what the gift was or meant, but needless to say, the woman started popping “pills” and I became a pretty busy man for the next week or two.
1. ARGUCESE 30mg
Take 1 tablet to end argument. Best used with a kiss and a hug.
This was a popular one with the wife for the simple reason that I could not have the last word. No matter how right I thought I was (which wasn’t very often), all she would have to do is whip out one of these to end the discussion. I used Starburst here as they are big enough to use up quickly if you have an argumentative other half.
2. FUZZITIN 75mg
Take 1 tablet to get that warm fuzzy feeling that comes from a big hug.
Simple yet effective, there just are not a lot of things in this world that can do so much like a big hug. These can be taken at any time and continuously to get the desired effect. If the hugger is good at this task, these could lead to further medication, such as BISCRUBIDOL. I used Gummy Bears for this and seemed to constantly have my arms around the wife. This is not a bad thing.
3. FULMONTISOL 2500mg
Take 1 tablet to receive a complete strip tease show performed by your man.
Taken directly from the movie “The Full Monty”, this may very well be the performance of your life. The only requirements for this medication are that she must provide the background music for your performance and there is to be no video equipment allowed. I personally tried to cram one of those giant Chewy Sweet Tarts into that little cup – I considered that my cyanide pill.
4. SWETLUVODIN 750mg
Take 1 tablet for an evening of passionate lovemaking with your mattress monkey.
A powerful drug, this bad boy usually is taken as a result of other medication like BISCRUBIDOL, RUBADINE, and if you really good, FUZZITIN. I loaded up on these, packing it full of the smallest “candy” I could find – in this case, Tic-Tacs. Hey, you didn’t think I got that nickname “mattress monkey” for my smell did you?
5. RUBADUBIUM 100mg
Take 1 tablet to receive a prepared candlelight bubble bath complete with manservant.
Want to earn some serious brownie points? Let her pop one of these puppies into her mouth and then show her your sensual side. Also works well with fluffy towels and a bottle of bubbly. A word of caution, DO NOT use those imitation electric candles around the bathtub or the both of you will need much more serious medication. To show my more animalistic side, I used Runts here to get her prepared for her bath.
6. LINGERENIUM 300mg
Take 1 tablet to receive an all expense paid shopping spree to the lingerie store of your choice.
I used Everlasting Gobstoppers for this particular med and teased the wife that she had until the Gobstopper was done to finish her shopping. She in turn foiled this plan by continuously replacing her Gobstopper until our closet is now filled with lace bodysuits and satin teddies. While this put an extreme dent into our grocery budget, I was by no means complaining.
7. BISCRUBIDOL 75mg
Take 1 tablet to conserve water by having your special someone join you during shower time.
Sure she may hog up all the water and leave you freezing while you soap up her back, but you will smell good and the medicine has some great after effects. Snuggling, necking, and a sudden impulse to be by your side at all times may result. Also commonly used with SWETLUVODIN. I used Spree candy simply because it is one of her favorites – and it melts in water.
8. RUBADINE 15mg
Take 1 tablet to relax that amazing body of yours by the erotic hands of your man. Best used in conjunction with SWETLUVODIN.
When she takes this little guy, make her melt in your hands with a sensual massage. Earn extra points by lighting candles for that added romantic touch and if you are really risque – use some scented oils to make this medication reach its ultimate potency. Brach’s Cinnamon Disks was my candy of choice for this, as it added some heat to an already potentially hot situation.
9. BUYAGRA 15mg
Take 1 prior to shopping. Will increase potency and duration of shopping spree.
My best advice is to not be around when this upper is taken as you may become a statue in the mall holding the 60+ shopping bags. There is really only one thing to put in here – Smarties. You must be careful with these however, as my wife seemingly overdosed. I didn’t see her for a week and I ended up with three maxed credit cards – and a lot of baby clothes.
Take 1 tablet to be treated to complete home cooked meal of your choice by your man.
The next time she wants Chicken Cordon Bleu and pops one of these in her mouth, try your best to not remind her just why she does all the cooking. I tried to use some of her favorite Brach’s Caramel Milk Maids to try and curb her appetite from the upcoming destruction of her digestive system. She only used one of these – better cooks may feel free to add more.
Take 1 tablet and the man in your life will instantly become your slave for a day. Effects last approximately 24 hours.
This stimulant could have varied effects and should be considered unstable depending on the takers state of mind. An angry user could have you spending the day cleaning out the litter box with a teaspoon or cleaning the toilet bowl with YOUR toothbrush. Of course, a happy user just might be the thrill of a lifetime. You could go with something small like M&M’s if you get along, but something bigger like Jolly Ranchers may be necessary for the argumentative types.
Take 1 tablet to be treated to the sinful edible urge of your choice.
Whenever she wants to say “to hell with this diet”, have her try one of these delicacies. Just by her trying one of these capsules, she shall be treated to the flavor flood of calorie inducing treasure of her choice. Of course, I used Tootsie Rolls here to get her chocolate buzz going and prepared to go get her some strawberry cheesecake.
13.DSG-24 (or whatever your initials are)
The 24-hour, cuddly, huggable, kissable, squeezable, lovable, touchable, so you can have a good day medicine.
This energizer has been considered a bigger breakthrough in combating the blues than St. John’s Wort and Prozac combined. Just one of these will turn that significant other into your own personal teddy bear. You can hug him and squeeze him and name him George*. I would go for Bottle Caps candy here, especially if you are the grumpy type. My wife would typically take this in conjunction with ARGUCESE.