Sunglasses at night

It seems improbable and physically impossible to feel alone on the streets of a city the magnitude of Boston but I’ve had such a day today.
I ate a meager lunch in a deserted food court, rode a ghost train with no passengers
(save for a lone and apathetic conductor that collected my money),
walked down an empty Boylston Street to an ‘I am Legend’-like South Station.
My mind doesn’t want to let anyone in today and I feel I’m struggling against a surreal and desolate landscape that is the city of Boston.
I loathe days these because I feel almost anonymous and somewhat disposable.
And nothing I can say or do seems to change anything.

I get a seat on the train and I put on my sunglasses even though it’s 5:30pm and the sun has set on the city.
UV protection for the soul, I think,
as I contemplate a jump into a vat of lukewarm self-pity.
No, that would be too damn easy.
The past several weeks have wreaked some serious emotional havoc on my sorry 49-year-old ass and this is the aftermath, an ardent and internal hangover; it’s temporary but so very intense.
I come to realize that I’m just really tired and can’t seem to catch up.
Exhausted, actually.
Sleep doesn’t help.
But writing it out has immense possibility.
And it does.

“How are ‘ya?”

{Oh, God . . . not that question again, ad nauseum}

{Me smiling}
“Just another day in paradise, buddy, just another day.”

And I carry on.

Still somewhat alone.

For the time being . . .

~m

Ps. happy birthday to Smoke &Mirrors (2.22.05) {you people are sick} :mrgreen:


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24 thoughts on “Sunglasses at night

  1. well you may be physically alone many times, but you’re never really totally alone…there are many who walk with you, albeit silently….

    you been blogging 2 years? did i read that last little bit right? if so, congrats!
    🙂
    if not, ignore that bit of the comment ok??

    Like

  2. and in fact looking back on that it should read 3 years!!! you’d never think i’d been responsible for million $ accounts for 190 years would you???
    🙄

    No worries, Moe.
    3 years . . . sheesh.
    Go figure.
    Think I got another 3 in me? :mrgreen:
    ~m

    Like

  3. I’ve heard people talk about loneliness before, but you have an uncanny ability to really nail the emotions you talk about.

    “I loathe days these because I feel almost anonymous and somewhat disposable.”

    I’ve never heard anyone describe it as well as that.

    It’s good to hear from you, even if you’re only talking about a city that seems to crowd in around you with blind feet and blank eyes.

    I love when people personally relate to something I’ve written as you have here.
    I’ve said this before but I love when I see that you’ve visited me.
    You are a blogger’s “dream commenter”
    Thanks so much, D
    ~m

    Like

  4. I understand your sorrow and you expressed it beautifully. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel better. Sure have missed you!

    Been having to be full-time caretaker for grandma, never any time to post or visit. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

    Hugs and love

    Awww, Marti.
    Real nice to hear from you as well.
    Hope you’re taking some time for yourself as well.
    Caregiving can be absolute hell.
    be safe, be well.
    Thanks for stopping by.
    ~m

    Like

  5. m squared,

    you are never alone here.

    i am feeling your pain, intensely. without revealing too much {phucking HIPAA!}…i have a patient who suffered some serious damage this past weekend. it’s all i can do to raise my eyes to him. i own none of it, but my caretaking heart is forever bruised…and my faith in human nature has plummeted once again. details later…

    soemtimes you have to take the plunge into that vat of self-pity. just remember, it can be a tributary to the larger ocean of despair.

    when you feel you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!

    i believe your numbness will subside, and your pure and beautiful heart will remain intact.

    when you feel you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!

    You are brilliant my dear.
    Still waiting for that massage though . . . :mrgreen:
    ~m

    Like

  6. as I contemplate a jump into a vat of lukewarm self-pity.

    Here’s what I want you to do. Draw a nice hot bath. Spend at least an hour in the bathtub, reading a good book and smoking a cigar (I’m serious here). It works wonders for me.

    Beautifully written post, btw.

    -smith

    No. I won’t take a bath with you, Mr. Smith.
    Oh, wait a minute . . . you meant . . .
    Geez . . . I’m blushing here :mrgreen:
    ~m

    Like

  7. sorry, tenderheart, i cannot take credit for that. i believe it was FDR who said it!

    a bath sounds just about right; i’ll skip the cigar, though…;)

    hit me up about that massage. we’ll work something out, even with my new schedule.


    Can’t wait, Y . . .
    ~m

    Like

  8. I know how you feel. I’m sorry you feel that way. Tomorrow is another day and it might suck, but then maybe it won’t.

    You just have to know that there are people in the world who thank God that you are here. Okay?

    ((hugs))
    Annie

    Tanks, Annie.
    ~m

    Like

  9. “UV protection for the soul, I think” – – – Feeling helpless to make you feel better. Realizing this is your sole journey, and all one can do is listen. I am amazed at your emotional and spiritual expression. I will pray that your pain eases.

    Another day brings promise, Lumps.
    I’m ok . . .
    ~m

    Like

  10. I think for me, reading this, its the words you use, the descriptions….
    I feel terribly alone alot of the time and I associate the feeling with the loss of my mother. (i’m very rarely alone and very rarely not consumed with family’s issues) Everyone can feel tremendous loss but for some reason I have always felt as though I don’t make sense without her and that I am somehow incomplete.
    Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you word my feelings in a way I could never do.
    I hope that today, is a better day for you.

    I must say one of the most gratifying things about blogging is the occasional “surprise” comment.
    Especially when they’re as nice as this one.
    I’m hanging in there, Daffy. Have no fear.
    Thanks so much for the visit.
    ~m

    Like

  11. Happy Bithday to S & M didn’t think you were into that ~m 😆

    Just kidding


    Already changed the wording because of sick bastards like you, Voodoo! :mrgreen:
    ~m

    Like

  12. ~m? & smith? in the bath??? together???
    now i’m not sure whether to be excited, concerned, or downright horrified! the really scary part is excitement may win out!!

    who’s sitting in front to get their back washed is my question???
    😯

    Like

  13. I was going to write about how you continue to amaze me how you can so acutely transfer your feelings to worlds and how I seem to feel what you are going through…

    But then the comments started to take a really weird turn so I am slowly going to walk away…

    Happy B-Day S&M!

    I know. I get a nice little post going and somebody wings the comments into the gutter. Sheesh.
    ~m

    Like

  14. Now children? Play nice.
    Mr. Murphy and Mr. Smith will not be taking a bath together. Smoking a cigar, maybe, not a bath.
    E-V-A-H!
    And no more silly S&M jokes either. :mrgreen:

    Like

  15. ~m? & smith? in the bath??? together???
    now i’m not sure whether to be excited, concerned, or downright horrified!

    I don’t even really like him. It’s just the physical attraction. 8)

    Now, where the hell did I put the soap-on-a-rope?

    -smith (tongue firmly in cheek–and where ever else I can put it)

    I was going to do a little dialogue thingy but it was getting way out there.
    Put the soap-on-a-rope away please.
    You’re scaring me . . .
    ~m

    Like

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