Norm Abrams, I’m not

I’ve been promising my wife that I’d put together a cabinet for the kitchen.
She bought it several weeks ago and everytime I’d walk through the kitchen I swear I could hear “baaaawk, baaaawk . . . “coming from inside the box.
Its purpose was supposedly going to reduce some of the cabinet clutter and organize the pot and “pandemonium” wreaking havoc in the heart of our home.

How hard could it be to put together a small and innocent antique cabinet?

I’m no Norm Abrams, alright? Building things just isn’t my thing (stop laughing, Laho).

I consider myself a reasonably intelligent man but when an inanimate object begins making a monkey out of me, I have a problem.
I should have known better when I spied the little gold oval sticker proudly proclaiming “made in China” on all 76 pieces.

Assembling this hunk of shit (from the directions given) was worse than trying to comprehend quantum physics.
I seriously think the Chinese are out to get us, all of us.

Said directions were a series of “exploded” pictures; no words or explanations, just pictures . . . all 14 of them. Bastards.

Does the term 3-D puzzle of wood mean anything to you?

The cabinet was mainly black and I almost went frickin’ blind trying to screw this thing together. The phone starts ringing, I spill my coffee, I gotta take a crap and one of the cats starts throwing up a hunk of the Styrofoam packing this thing came in and I’m only Step #1.
I only have 13 more to go.
Please shoot me.
Point the gun at my brain stem and mercifully pull the trigger.
End my pain.

I think about throwing the damn directions away but err on the side of caution and instead start talking dirty to the sad looking unassembled pieces still littering the kitchen table. Things start clicking and I’m beginning to enjoy the dirty talk.

By the time I was finished (2 hours later) I look Chinese, well, my eyes do anyway.

Some people really have a talent for this building shit.
Not me.
I say pay another 20 bucks and let some other choad go Oriental.
I’m an artist, damn it, not Norm Abrams.


14 thoughts on “Norm Abrams, I’m not

  1. oH ~m, that was just painful to read. My husband is NOT handy (or is it just an “act” so he has to pay someone else to do it? He’s very clever, you know).

    Next time, just invite a really handy friend over, give him/her a beer ~ kick back and watch. This seems to work wonders for my husband!

    That was nice of you to overcome your fears “Bawk-bawk-bawk” and tackle that for her. I’m sure she appreciates it.

    You said it all with one word, Bella: PAINFUL :0)


  2. talking dirty to the unassembled pieces, eh? that’s worrisome, m squared.

    love the pots and ‘pandemonium.’

    i have been skillfully avoiding buying that kind of stuff for the last 10 or so years, not because i am ‘assembly-challenged,’ merely because it’s 3.5 hours of my life i will never get back. thinking that abstractly makes my brain hurt, too.

    anyway, you don’t even look like norm abrams.

    – yvonne

    anyway, you don’t even look like norm abrams
    Thank God.
    I’d never get laid.


  3. That is something that I thought all men could do, put things together. And then I look at my dad. . . he worked on military jets and helos but he couldnt put together a shelf-like thing such as the one you described. Yall make me smile.

    God knows, I try 😆


  4. Thanks for putting it together-you did a great job!! I’m buying a new living room ceiling fan next and I have complete faith in you to install it. Just remember to take out those little black rubber packing things this time!! You’re the BEST!

    Thanks for letting the world know I’m a total buffoon.
    Oooh, you’re going to get it.
    { hopefully, tomorrow morning} 😉


  5. 😆
    i feel for you, really badly, but i’m laughing harder…not because you can’t do it, but for how you describe it!
    your way with words does one of 3 things to me….laugh, cry or think! this time it was talking dirty to th damned thing…you’ll forgive for thinking it wasn’t in the way many people enjoy dirty talk?
    i’m lucky, i have a husband who can turn his hand to anything…anything!…the car, the house, electrical, plumbing….
    if it needs fixing, assembling or adjustment, he’s there with his array of tools (cos he who dies with the most tools wins of course!) and has it done in 2 shakes of a lambs tail…you think you’re clueless? my second husband struggled to find where the screwdriver was! useless as an ashtray on a motor bike in all ways…
    pam appreciates you ~m, we can see that….i have no doubt that eases your pain somewhat…
    perhaps you should try talking dirty to her next time and she’ll forget about the fan??

    Pamela is still laughing after I read your comment to her . . .


  6. I had the same problem with a whole load of flatpack furniture I bought from Ikea and other stores. I ended up putting the instructions to one side and “used the force” Jedi-style.
    It worked. Eventually.
    I don’t know why these instructions have to be so difficult to understand. Maybe the future will be an included CD/DVD with a movie of someone actually putting together one of these aforementioned nightmares. But then one of the employees would have to understand the instructions first…..

    Maths Chick x

    I totally agree.
    As someone else commented, these pieces of furniture should come with a little Chinese guy!
    Hey, they could fit him in the box . . .


  7. Ha, too funny.
    I hate to laugh at your pain because I feel ya on that.
    I’m still recovering from the last piece I put together.
    Had a lot of poles, none of them numbered
    and the directions (pictures of course like you said)
    showed each pole inserted into another
    put 2 and 4 together with this plastic thing
    i had about forty poles and no numbers
    and lots of plastic things
    plus i’d had the big idea to put it together in the garage
    so i was washed down in sweat, and cursing like a sailor by the time it was over
    i think i’m with you on the 20 bucks
    from now on my stuff is arriving pre-assembled or at least with a little chinese guy. great post.

    I love your idea of a little Chinese guy. Classic Kim. 😉


  8. LOL – I have been there so many times. I simply had to stop shopping at Ikea after a while. Mine are always lopsided and wiggly when I’m done and of course I have pieces left over too. Funny though, I can find an old antique piece, take it home, take it apart, strip it down and refinish and reassemble it with no problem. Hmmm….could it be the mass produced pieces are shit? I wonder.

    Thanks for the chuckles. 😉

    could it be the mass produced pieces are shit?

    Ya think? Awful, nasty plastic stuff . . . 😉


  9. I myself suck at constructing things. But that doesn’t stop me. The way I figure, the more I do something terribly, the better I look when I do something borderline mediocre. That moment still hasn’t come yet, but I assure you, by lowering everyone’s standards of success, the better you look when you break midpoint.

    You most definitely have a point, DT.
    Looking forward to your mid point . . . :0)


  10. well, at least you DID get it done, and you learned for next time to never do it again!

    LOL @ norm abrams My dad loves that guy! what a tool!

    what a tool!


  11. Being that I’ve recently learned I have an heretofore unknown knack for putting things together and making them work, I can only kind of feel your pain. Although, the last time I purchased a mass-produced shelf thingy for the kids playroom, and put it together, the first time I set a stack of books on it (along with a few random toys), the thing made a popping noise and fell apart. Two halves, sitting on the playroom floor.

    At least yours stayed together.

    😆 Sorry. That was a very funny comment.
    Sounds like a YouTube moment to me . . .
    Thanks for fessing up, Jess :0)


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