Cabbage Ass

Something short and sweet, so to speak . . .

Someone floated an air biscuit on the train this morning, a silent sulfur scream (SSS) so deadly in intent that my eyes literally crossed.
Dude, if you’re sick, go to the hospital.
It was odd the way people picked their heads up one by one and started looking around for the gravy pants responsible for the great brown cloud.
There were only 12 or so people in the car I was riding in so it was a bit uncomfortable.
I heard one guy groan and say, “Oh, man.”
Oh, man is right.
The odor of the unholy airlock was almost indescribable.
Oh, alright, I’ll try. I’m already grossed out anyway (as you will soon be, as well).
It was somewhere between ripe, warm and hairy egg salad and way-past-the-due-date hamburger. My olfactory senses are somewhat dulled at this time of the morning but I definitely detected a hint of burnt string bean casserole.
It was right after that when people started getting up one by one in search of a fresher car to ride in. Not wanting to be seen as the person that “drew the mud”, I too got up and left the fragrant car.
It was painfully clear that this demanding piece of colon-speak wasn’t going anywhere.
I overheard a woman say to someone, “Well, I’m certainly awake now!”
She sounded almost pleased.
As soon as I stopped my eyes from watering, I found a new seat.


14 thoughts on “Cabbage Ass

  1. Glad to see your ability to smell is working at 100%-no doubt the fart blower left the car and followed you!

    I think everyone followed me.


  2. over here these are known as silent but deadly…i had an uncle once who had no sense of smell from birth…there were times (such as these) that i envied him 😯

    Oh, yeah. The good ole SBD…


  3. Geez, Michael I was actually eating when I clicked over here. How disgusting. I’m sure the guy was embarassed. How horrifying. Sorry about your nose, how’s it doing? Are we talking maybe some nasal therapy? 🙂 anabel

    I never said it was a guy… 😉


  4. “Silent Sulphur Scream” … I love it. I may just rip that off.

    And such rectal produce are the absolute bane of confined public spaces – I remember a truely horrific elevator ride to visit my father’s office on the 12th floor of his building, wherein the entire elevator saw me press “12”, and thus I could not exit until said floor, and was forced to suffer through the foul gaseous remains of someone’s bean, cabbage, and sourkraut luncheon from floor 2 up. I’ve never had such a long elevator ride.

    While rectal fumes aren’t much of a concern on transit, there are people with horrifically fierce body odour who seem to ride the bus purely for the enjoyment of making people’s eyes water.

    There are some pretty vicious odors out there – you have my fullest sympathies.

    Ouch. On an elevator?
    Up close and personal methane.
    Gas rocket in the face. Yummy. 😉


  5. Thanks SO much for sharing this one. Just came back from a lovely dinner and then can’t stop myself reading your disgusting post just to figure out how low you’d go. I don’t have gag reflexes that often…… dinner’s at the back of my tongue and I promise if it comes up any further, I’ll send you some with the following lines: “from gagtown with love”.

    “from gagtown with love”
    Love it.


  6. Michael, I’m so very proud of you. You have written a beautiful, thought out entry about nothing other than farts. I never thought I’d see it, but dammit, you did good!

    I’m a giver, Red.
    What more can I say? {grinning}


  7. Oh Michael.
    That was hilarious! Oh, the visuals! I can just see everyone walking off, one by one with a pained expression on their face. It was probably the lady with the pleased expression on her face. Why else would she look so pleased?

    It was quite the hoot…so to speak.


  8. There’s this guy in my office who seems to enjoy stinking up my office everyday. One morning, I was sitting at my desk when he passed by to leave through the back door. He’s a tall guy, so his butt was level to where my face was. Just as he opened the door, he “fired his primary weapon.”

    The noxious cloud engulfed my nose, and the swear words flew out of my mouth. There were no Silkwood showers available, so I couldn’t decontaminate. I wished for a stopper to shove up his offending ass. But alas, the only thing I had in my defense arsenal was a can of Christmas scent Fabreeze.

    Wow. I really like “fired his primary weapon.”
    It is a weapon, isn’t it?
    Funny story, Deb.
    Thank God for the Christmas scent. Guess you could call it ‘poop wrapping’ … 😉


  9. Can I just say…eeeoooowwww? What did this person have for breffy, one has to ponder. Was it silent but deadly or was there a little toot to announce the little muffin? LOL. What a way to start the day.

    This person was clearly in stealth mode.
    No one saw it coming.


  10. Yet another reason having my own is a good thing, not that I ever used it, but now there is NO need for me to have to venture onto public transport!!

    Lucky, lucky, Kel.


  11. i love any story that involves farting as you may know already but i gotta say my heart went out to all of you poor saps that got stuck in that gross-mobile…

    Maybe you should have said ‘poop saps’ 😉


  12. omg, i just read that post and sat here at my work desk and laughed my ass off. wtf? my co-worker shouts out, “Jeez, what’s so funny” but i cannot tell him! That just may be one of the sickest, funniest posts i’ve read! Yeppers, I do have a rare quality in a woman; “bathroom humor” – does it come from having 5 brothers? Quite possibly. Have you ever seen the website: Facts on Farts – you have to check it out. Cabbage Ass!

    I promise to check out the link.
    My first impression is that it will turn me into a walking, talking, farting encyclopedia.
    How cool is that?
    Did your brothers ever show you how to do a ‘blue flame’?


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