Trust me

This is something of a public service announcement regarding people I just can’t seem to trust. I’m not sure why this got written but maybe it has something to do with flaming pink hats.

Here’s a list of people I can’t trust. Ever.

*Anyone that wears sunglasses at night.
Sometimes it’s a celebrity and sometimes it’s just a schmuck I pass on the way to South Station. If the sun has fallen far below the horizon and all the cars have on their headlights, lose the shades. You look like a jamoke and therefore can’t be trusted.

*People that smile a lot.
Alright, this one is a bit sketchy but just think about it.
I saw a guy staring aimlessly at a TV (tuned to CNN) perched on a shelf in a storefront window on Boylston Street.
In a nutshell, the programming make-up of CNN is this:
War-Death-Famine-Ominous Meteorological Phenomena and Cancer (repeat 24/7)
This guy is staring at the streaming CNN images and guess what?
Yep, he’s smiling.
A walking head wound and definitely can’t be trusted.
In a city like Boston, smiling zombies are everywhere if you just look.

*Guys that wear pink hats.
I saw a guy wearing one just the other day, I swear to God.
I could never trust a guy like that to even wash my truck windshield.

*Muscle-bound guys that habitually work out at the gym
They grunt, fart loud enough to raise the floorboards and make those nasty ‘faces of death’.
Hey buddy, you wanna point that cannon of yours in a different direction?
And if self-image is worth more to you than that Stanley Steamer you just dropped in your trunks, I wouldn’t trust you as far as you could throw me.
Oh, and nice manboobs, too.
Sheesh…
I do admire the fact that these guys are so damn dedicated.
I draw the line when it seems imperative that I exert myself to a point where an internal organ shoots out of the closest orifice just to belong to ‘the club’.


*Any woman that says (as she’s walking into and bargain basement department store) “I’ll be out in five minutes.”

Come on, ladies.
How dumb do you think we are? Do not answer that.
In this instance, women can’t be trusted.

*Anyone that votes for Sanjaya,
and his asinine ‘pony-hawk’, obvious lack of talent and absurdly white teeth just to keep him on American Idol.
That’s just absurd.
What’s the point?
Sanjaya voters suck.
Period.

*Poodles, Chihuahuas and any other small dog that would easily fit inside a casserole dish.
These dogs are nervous and jumpy.
Actually, they’re not animals folks, they’re appetizers.
And I hate when they hump things…like a piece of furniture or worse. . . my leg.
Because they have a brain smaller in size than a walnut, you can’t trust them.
You never know when they’ll snap and go psycho.

*Expressholes
These are the folks that go through the ’10 items or less’ line with a week’s worth of whatever happens to be on sale that day.
Watch them at a busy deli counter too.
They’ve been known to make up numbers.

This is obviously a partial list and I invite you to add a few of your own.
You may even see a sequel.
Then again, I don’t know if I trust myself enough to write one.

~m

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20 thoughts on “Trust me

  1. anyone that actually says “trust me” (not freaking likely sunshine), any politician that can draw a breath (part of the key selection criteria for this job is to be a lying scumbag), and my 2nd husband (also a lying scumbag)
    🙂

    Anyone that says ‘trust me’…
    Isn’t that ironic?
    ~m

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  2. I smile a lot, but not the freaky kinda smiling, such as my mother-in-law who wears a smile while cleaning the skidmarks outta her toilets. I’m just friendly.


    Mom-in-law from the carnival, eh? 😉
    ~m

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  3. hmmm this list has infinite possibilities I think.
    Doctors: “This will only sting a little bit” – BULLSHIT, it always hurts like hell and you know it!
    Dentists: See above 🙂
    Medicine making companies: “Pleasant tasting” – pigs arse thats pleasant tasting, maybe on another planet!
    I’ll leave it at that…..I could be here forever and I’ve already eaten all those coffee beans I left the other day so I’m likely to get lost again…..
    Kelly

    Great comment.
    I agree 100%!
    ~m

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  4. Hm, glad to see that I am not the only one who can’t figure out why on earth you need sunglasses where there’s no sun.
    Have to think about other things I don’t trust.

    That one seemed like a no-brainer to me…excuse the pun
    ~m

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  5. i don’t trust anyone named George Bush. i don’t care if there is a middle initial or not.
    oh, and i don’t trust people that walk fast and look worried.

    I too, trust no politician.
    Kennedy, Nixon, Clinton, Bush, Washington…
    Nobody. Sad, huh?
    ~m

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  6. Ha. Pink hats can be fun though! Whee!

    Never trust a kid that says “But it wasn’t me mom, honest!”

    I didn’t even think of the kid angle…damn.
    Good one, Lass.
    Pink hats can be fun on a female.
    On a male, they look ridiculous.
    I think.
    ~m

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  7. My opinionated half always says don’t trust anybody who has a little fishy on the back of his car.


    I sorta like the Darwin Fish myself.
    ~m

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  8. Hilarious!! I was just reading these to my smarter half. Then he ruined it by telling me about his grandmothers chihuahua that used to prop himself up in the corner and…um….take his front paws and….well, you know. I’m sure this provided hours and hours of entertainment when he was a kid. Probably gave him a few ideas too. ugh!

    Oh, man. Little dogs freak me out.
    Hate em…
    Prop himself up in a corner, huh?
    Never heard of a dog that was an exhibitionist as well…
    ~m

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  9. Mirrored sunglasses are the worse! You can’t see their drugged up eyes. Cops seem to like them.
    And as for Sanjaya,,,,Howard Stern the radio guy is behind that! He’s encouraged everyone to ruin American Idol by voting for the worse…….why they listen to that potty mouth, I’ll never know. Simon Cowell said if Sanjaya wins because of this, he’s walking and not coming back.


    Stern sucks ass.
    Simon Cowell, however, has the right idea.
    I’d be gone too.
    The show is total rubbish.
    ~m

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  10. express-holes – i really loved that one. too funny – and too real, i’m afraid.
    sarah

    I liked that one, too.
    I was hoping someone would pick up on it.
    I see EH’s almost every time I go to market.
    Still blows me away.
    ~m

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  11. I also hate when people say,,,,,,”I heart” instead of I love……and “I lurve’ instead of love…and they are not kids,,,,,,,middle-aged!

    Stupidly screwing with the language.
    idk…{shaking head}
    ~m

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  12. Hm, after a few days of thinking about this I don’t seem to come up with too many examples. Here’s one of the few:

    “You can tell me, I won’t tell anybody”

    Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.
    Good one.
    ~m

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  13. We, this generation, might be witnessing the phenomenon of global warming. If you ask me, to tell you the truth, I’m not sure if the hype is real. Nevertheless, it should be something worthy of investigation and concern. There seems to be another social and cultural phenomenon in the area of the arts. To see someone like Sanjaya stay, and see other more talented contestants leave, it’s one of the most disturbing phenomenons I’ve ever witnessed.
    Is it worth investigating? Is this the result of the Hip-Hop-you are so cool-and pretty-even though you can’t sing- era? I don’t know. Is it worth investigating? You bet your ass it is!


    I love it. You’re ranting, dude!
    I especially like your Hip-Hop-you are so cool-and pretty-even though you can’t sing- era observation.
    Classic, Eliud!
    ~m

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  14. I think as far as Sanjaya goes, pretty has always beat out talent. As a musician, you probably know that yourself. It kills me to turn on a radio these days and listen to what is considered ‘good’ music. BTW, women only give you that line just to get themselves in the door, we know we’re not fooling anyone :). It’s just that once we’re in there, you men know better than to try and rush us, no? No, it’s the bench outside or the car with a magazine for you guys. LOL. Anabel

    We should do a ‘point/counterpoint’ post with music sometime.
    That would be a post for the ages, I think.
    I think there’s a vast difference in our ages and it could be interesting.
    As far as the shopping thing, you women continue to amaze me. 😉
    And yes, I’m outside reading a magazine…
    ~m

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  15. I’m game, sounds like fun. Let me know what and how to do it and we’ll get it going. I could do an entire blog only about music. Ha Ha on the magazine thing. Told ya. Haven’t seen the Idol tonight yet, but I’m actually wondering if Sanjaya is going to sing “My Love don’t Cost a Thing” by J. Lo, geez. I’m waiting on Barry Gibb, I’m obsessed with the SNL skit Barry Gibb Talk Show…”talking about chest hairs, talking bout crazy cool medallions…oh yeah”. Who hasn’t tried to sing exactly like the Beejees in some embarrassing moment in their life? Ok, a bit long, sorry about that, Anabel.

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