(And 81 other wicked cool things to say to people that really cheese you off)

They did leave out my favorite Dirty Harry line (to a hideous barfly trying to score) –
“I only do it with humans.”
A few laughs on me…
And yes, I’ve been known to use a few of these.

  1. I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  2. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  3. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  4. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
  5. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
  6. All things being equal, you lose.
  7. If you’re feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.
  8. I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
  9. Smile… Tomorrow will be worse.
  10. It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
  11. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
  12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  13. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  14. Thank you for not annoying me more than you do.
  15. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
  16. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  17. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
  18. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
  19. A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
  20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  21. I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
  22. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
  23. Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
  24. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
  25. I’m extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
  26. I’d like to help you out; which way did you come in?
  27. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
  28. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn’t it.
  29. From the moment I picked your book up to the moment I set it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.
  30. I don’t care who you are, what you drive, or where you’d rather be.
  31. I’m not cynical. I’m just experienced.
  32. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
  33. I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
  34. Don’t hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.
  35. It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail in the process.
  36. You may pretend to dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.
  37. Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
  38. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
  39. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
  40. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
  41. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  42. I’m not your type; I’m not inflatable.
  43. Well aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine.
  44. Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
  45. Aww, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
  46. You look like shit. Is that in style now?
  47. Wait… I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  48. I don’t have an attitude problem, it’s supposed to be this way.
  49. It’s not that I’m antisocial, I’m just not friendly.
  50. Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
  51. I’m sorry, do I resemble your therapist?
  52. I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.
  53. I don’t care where you go, as long as you get lost.
  54. It is just you.
  55. I heard you, and so what if the world’s ending at noon today, I can’t chat with you until tomorrow.
  56. I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.
  57. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
  58. You laugh because I’m different; I laugh because you’re all the same.
  59. If I throw a stick, will you go away?
  60. I didn’t know regurgitated spam could talk.
  61. If brains were dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.”
  62. If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
  63. A mind is a terrible thing to waste; I’m glad they didn’t waste one on you.
  64. Next time you get the urge to think…don’t.
  65. I’m not antisocial. I just don’t like people.
  66. Would you kindly shut your noise hole.
  67. You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we’re from the same species.
  68. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit” as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.
  69. It’s not that I wish any harm to the guy, I’m just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off.
  70. It’s people like you who make the Internet all but impossible to trust.
  71. Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
  72. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  73. Well, I was nearly killed three times, fell off a bridge and broke my jaw. How was your day?
  74. On your way down the banister of life, may your ass collect tons of splinters.
  75. Are you renting the space in your head? It could be profitable.
  76. I’m sorry.. Am I poking holes in your self-esteem bucket?
  77. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
  78. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  79. I wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough oxygen at birth.
  80. Whatever it is that’s eating you, it must be suffering horribly.

I’m now sufficiently armed and loaded.


8 thoughts on “Insults

  1. verrrrrri funnneeeeeee.
    anybody who carries the latest harry potter essential where/when ta get it and how much it costs deserves a tail full of feathers


    Thanks for the visit, FMA7.
    Excuse me while I re-arrange my feathers… 😉


  2. Oh man. I need these on a play sleeve on the inside of my shirt. I wish I had the guts to really insult someone (that deserved it). But my chicken-shit little self just winces and then I walk away. Must learn to stand up to conflict!

    The palm of the hand would probably work too…


  3. this is one seriously funny list (long, but funny all the same) i’ve made use of quite a few of these at different times…particularly 51…i seem to have a face that says “you can dump on me, i don’t have a life or any problems of my own to worry about!!!” i don’t mind family and friends but i draw the line at complete strangers…

    I too was surprised at how many I’ve heard (and used)
    Long list that had me laughing throughout.


  4. Woohoo! These are great and #’s 40 & 68 stand out as my favorites! Can’t wait to try these out…

    I liked “It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.”
    Let me know how you make out with the ‘sults…


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