Changing Horses

 change

*let me preface this post by saying that my writing takes on a very sombre tone at the end of November. Sorry.

 

There are times in my life that I long for change.
Not just something insignificant but something radical and life altering—a positive cataclysmic changing of the tides.

Maybe it’s the fact that I am presently walking through the autumnal phase of my life, a time of maturity and transformation.

The changes I seek are most human and mundane at best: health, financial status, vocation, a creative chasm that I can never seem to fill.
This craving for change usually gets shoved violently aside in order to accommodate all the other messed up shit in my life.
Mornings find me hopeful but by night I find myself saying, ah, fuck it, and I go to bed praying that my weirdo dreams bring some semblance of cognitive understanding and solace regarding my sometimes all too turbulent existence.

It was only a short time ago that I posted this so it appears that this penchant for change is here to play house, longtime.

I am beginning to understand and even accept that the only thing I can truly change is internal. If you’re thinking, ah, Michael—I wouldn’t change a gosh darn thing, then you don’t know me very well.
Hell, sometimes I don’t even know me.

I find it interesting that my blog exudes something of a personality that readers perceive to be purely me.
While that concept is for the most part true, there’s so much more.

Ask my wife. (She’ll just roll her eyes)

We ‘writer’ types are many things, some of which we let the world see while others get embedded deep within our words, our writing, and our darkened little souls.

It comes as no surprise to me that there are people that have little to no clue about the real ‘Michael’. They think they do but they really, really don’t.
They don’t want to ‘see’ the real me.

I am in the midst of a moment in my life where I’m having a hard time seeing the forest through the trees.
Christmas is upon us so I attribute much of my current disdain to a fast approaching holiday I can scarcely afford much less happily (and willingly) participate in.
This time of the year royally sucks when paying the mortgage takes president over what you feel you should be able do for your children.
I’m really tired of fighting the daily moneyGod.
All I want for Christmas this year is a miracle, like every year. . .

 

 

I’m not looking for any free psychoanalysis here just letting my complicated landscape of a mind wander for a bit. This kind of post makes it feel strangely liberated.
If you’ve yet to figure it out, I am one dark individual. . .
But if I can’t be a piece of dark chocolate here, then where?
Thanks for reading and letting my grey matter roam free for a bit.

 

~m

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7 thoughts on “Changing Horses

  1. great post. no need to apologise either…if people don’t like it they have the choice to leave 🙂
    and as for this?
    “They think they do but they really, really don’t.
    They don’t want to ‘see’ the real me”
    I hear ya!
    p.s great pic!


    As always, thanks Mum.
    I think many will see a bit of themselves in this post.
    ~m

    Like

  2. I can totally understand the whole “you think you know me but you don’t,” thing AND the need for change on such a scale as to cause non recogniton. I’ve done both, but you know what? I’m still ME, same as I’ve always been…
    Take care,
    Kelly

    You can comment with much authority when it comes to the topic of change.
    I know that for sure.
    After I posted this I thought of all that you’ve been through.
    You’re still standing…
    Amen.
    ~m

    Like

  3. When I can’t see the forest through the trees, I blow up a few fucking trees.
    As for people seeing only one side of a writer, that is one reason I have two distinct on-line personalities. That way those that would be confused by the many sides of anyone can live in oblivion to the other side side of me.

    When I can’t see the forest through the trees, I blow up a few fucking trees.

    Why can’t I ever see the simple answers? 8)
    You are one smart man, Evyl.
    Thanks for dropping off the advice.
    Much needed.
    ~m

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  4. i have to say i REALLY like the idea of 2 totally different online personalities and i’ve been considering it for some time..i have half an idea running around my head already..perhaps as a present to myself for christmas? 🙂

    Like

  5. I hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. I wanted to say hello to everyone on my blogroll, and wish them well, because this is Thanksgiving weekend, and I am grateful for my Internet friends!


    Hey Marti!
    Nice to see you.
    Hope you had a great turkey day.
    ~m

    Like

  6. Heavy stuff, very well written.
    About the picture…..I don’t understand it. At first glance, it looks like a weird smiley face with its tongue sticking out.

    Thanks, Lolly.
    As far as the pic, something grabbed me when I saw it, though I can’t say why.
    I love Dali…
    ~m

    Like

  7. Ah, the dark side of the writer rears its ugly head, eh? Oh yeah, I’m there at least 27 times a day. And too true, if people really knew me….well, we won’t go there.
    I think that writers write because they are complex thinking individuals who have a need to express all the many inner personalities they have or are aware of. And I think it’s okay.
    Like Evyl, the two blog approach I find helpful as well. There are many things that I have to say – and some are distinctly different from one another. I have even considered starting a 3rd – though I have to sleep sometime.
    My advice? Stay honest. Stay true. You are who you are and as long as you keep that in focus it all comes out right and as it should be.
    Annie


    Yes, come over to the dark side…we have cookies.
    Thanks, kiddo.
    ~m

    Like

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