Sweetleaf and the Nosmo King


The following is a list of dos and don’ts when entering an age-old cigar shop to purchase a stogie. My daily exposure to the sheer stupidity sometimes astounds me.
Some customers are really fascinating people with stories and anecdotes that make the job worthwhile.
But there are others that think that what we do is some kind of sophomoric game that requires no skill or brains and that we’re there for their entertainment.
This is for those customers.

Do your homework and have a clue as to what you want. I’m not clairvoyant.
Saying things like, “I’ve never done this before, “and “I have no idea what he/she smokes,” doesn’t help your cause.
I’ll just assume you’re an idiot and sell you something I personally like.
In most cases, your stupidity has served you well.
This applies to men and women.


If you’re a guy and come in asking for a raspberry and coconut flavored cigar, we will say (after you’ve left, empty handed), “Wow. What a dickhead.”


Don’t ask for my opinion if you have no intention whatsoever of taking it. You’re wasting my time and really cheesing me off.
I may end up selling you something I can’t seem to give away because it sucks so bad.


After I’ve totaled your purchase and I’m in the middle of counting you back your change, please dear God, don’t say, “Oh, wait, I’ve got the 36 cents, if that makes it easier.”
Your window of opportunity closed 30 seconds ago, douche bag.


This applies to the ladies:
If you come in to buy cigars for your hubby or boyfriend, cover your mouth and nose and glare at me while I smoke my cigar before asking, “Why is it so smoky in here?!” ,
you may want to consider going to CVS to buy some stale, short-filler, tastes like a rolled-up NY Times, cigars.
The end result won’t be quite the same in terms of product, but you’ll be able to uncover your nose and your mouth and take in the exotic honeysuckle perfume of the 86 year old woman standing next to you buying Depends.


Never come into the store and ask, “Hey, do you guys sell cigars here?!”
That may have been funny when Roosevelt was in office but it’s getting a bit old these days. We won’t laugh but we will say to each other (while you’re still in the store)
“Wow. What a dickhead.”


More phrases and questions we hate to hear:


“How much are these bad boys?”


“Jeepers, I feel like a little kid in a candy store.”
(Yeah, the first one is one the house, kid. Inhale deeply.)


“Do you guys sell bongs?”


“Do you guys sell small pipes?”
(Does it look like a head shop, buddy? I didn’t think so.)


Sometimes I think people assume we’re just burnt out and unintelligent salespeople.
We do burn out from time to time but we’re not simpletons.
We know what we’re doing simply because we’ve done it for so long.
We can usually send you out with exactly what you want if you would just shut your cakehole long enough for us to ask a few simple questions.
But do you?
I guess that would make my job too easy. Ughh.


Should you walk in and make a point of letting me know how much more knowledgeable you are regarding cigars, I will gladly hand you the coveted “Chump of the Day” award, an imaginary trophy given to the biggest bonehead of the day.
We give one away on a daily basis, get here early and show us your stuff.


Anyone who is in the retail field can associate with the consumer mentality I’m talking about here. Sometimes you just have to scream, ya know?



15 thoughts on “Sweetleaf and the Nosmo King

  1. Ummm Sir do you have Prince albert in a Can? Ha Ha Ha
    Or maybe some Parodi’s the annisette flavored ones Please !!

    You want some banana blunt wraps, too, sir?



  2. Ooooohhhh, Mikey’s on a rant, Mikey’s on a rant….goodie!! LOL – I can relate – I waited tables for years. Oy carumba, the stupidity would take years to fully explain.

    The sheer magnitude of absurdity amazes me. THis post is just the tip of the proverbial iceburg.
    As we always say, you just can’t make this shit up.



  3. Hmmmmmm, I think I’m sensing anger here. And to think, you were such a nice man when I first met you. Face it, Mike, we’ve stolen your soul! 🙂

    Does this mean I have an all-access pass to the Curmudgeon Club?



  4. Customers are the most amazing creatures aren’t they? They were also the subject of my most recent post as you know….
    Thanks for the laugh. With the emotional turmoil of the last few days i’ve needed it!
    Cheers, Kelly

    Creatures? Yes, by golly by gum!



  5. OMG! Those are hilarious. I’ve worked in retail for many years. I’ve worked on Customer Service telephone lines trying to resolve health claim issues, and I’ve worked in the food business. Now I’m doing telephone surveys mostly for the upcoming elections. For the love!!! We should write a book. Seriously. People never cease to amaze me. But we still continue to do it. I think it’s because there are those one or two gems in the day that really make you say…there is hope in this world.

    As I always say, you can’t make this shit up…



  6. This is a great rant with only a fractional number of cursewords. How in the hell do you do that? And by the way do you carry chocolate blunt wraps, I like to mix them with the banana in order to create a fudge bomb. 😉

    No blunt wraps, dude.
    I can probably special order something though…



  7. I dig cigar shops, and I’ve always wanted to work in one.

    It will never happen I’m sure, because I am pretty unitelligible when it comes to smokes (of that sort anyway).

    My dad always smoked some kind of Macs, so at least would know what to ask for when I went in. 🙂

    You already know more than 89% of the people I wait on…
    You need a job? 😎



  8. i ALWAYS read michael….always….i may not comment, but i do read…and enjoy every word too….you even make me spit my coffee now and again 🙂

    Just don’t spit the coffee on the keyboard.
    I speak from experience…
    And it’s nice to hear you say you always read.
    That’s much appreciated.
    I mean that sincerely.
    Thanks, ZN…



  9. Yesssss!!!!
    Absolutely hilarious!!!
    I’m laughing my ass off thinking about the guy that wouldn’t buy the cigars because you didn’t have a box for him…. remember that Mike? About two weeks ago?
    I was a witness to that one people!!
    It’s absolutely true!!

    Oh, I remember, dude.
    What a douchebag…



  10. This post comes across less harshly (I can even smile a bit) now that I know you a little better. I had been wondering if you were allowed to smoke in the shop. Something Smith wrote just recently made me think you couldn’t.

    I love humidors. I have a “thing” for boxes. A few years back at our company Xmas party we had a silent auction. I tried my darndest to win an “Addams Family” humidor, which came with a video of the movie. I didn’t get it, but I did get a pair of Zildjian cymbals. I later gave them to a friend who plays the drums.

    Sent you an email.
    And yes, we smoke in the shop.
    And yes, we smoke alot, gaad damnit!


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