Cream Boogers

Okay, so have you ever stumbled into your favorite coffee shop – no, I don’t mean Starbucks – I mean a real, honest-to-goodness coffee shop, diner, greasy spoon – and sat down at your favorite table yearning for your first cup of coffee? The waitress finally saunters over after flirting with the big tippers or the cook, whoever is cuter and says, “Coffee?”

“Yes,” you stammer and try not to sound too needy. She nods and does the bump-grind-sashay, bump-grind-sashay across the room (the coffee pot is always across the room, apparently it’s a rule) and grabs the pot. If you’re lucky, it’s the one that hasn’t been sitting on the burner for the last three hours and holds the remnants of the coffee syrup that has formed. Another regular walks in and she stops, flirts, kind of swaying the pot with her index finger. You watch, mesmerized as the coffee does a little splish-splash and you’re starting to feel a little sea-sick.

Finally, she remembers why she has the coffee pot and does the bump-grind-sashay, bump-grind-sashay back to your table. You hold out your cup greedily. She pours, splashing a little on your fingers but you hold back the wince. “Want anything else?” she asks though you know she doesn’t want to bring you anything else anyway.

“Not right now,” you say to her back as she goes away.

Now you have what you want – you’ve only to doctor it to the special sweetness and lightness and then you can whip out your notebook and pen and sip as you contemplate the world and all its woes. You like the raw sugar but your table doesn’t have any in the stupid little, square white container. You scan the other square containers on the other tables til you zero in on it. Ah hah! You snag the whole thing because you know there will be refills to consider. Next and most importantly, the creamer. Now, the reason you go to this diner in the first place is because they use the real stuff. Not that white junk they make out of coconut oil and chemicals – nope this is real half and half. Not fat-free something, or Cremora or low-fat milk or 2%. Not any of that garbage! The real thing. The stuff that comes out of the cow – nature’s coffee companion. Yes!

Naturally, your creamer is empty. Again the eye scan kicks in for full creamer within reach. Thank God, there is one at the next table. Got it! You take it by its dainty handle and tip it ever so nice. I like to hold it high above the cup and watch the white liquid flow and finish it with a little hand flourish (okay, I have too much invested in the Food Channel). Just as it begins to pour into your coffee you see it. The thing. That little globule poised ever so tenuously at the very tip of the spout. “Oh Christ, it’s a cream booger!” you cry but too late. It’s made the journey with the rest of the cream into your coffee cup.

Dilemma. Do you drink it and hope it slides down with the first gulp or do you fish it out with your spoon? Either way the idea of how long it took the cream booger to form, what bacterial varmits may be playing hopscotch inside it makes your mind churn. Are your antibodies at the ready? Can they kill the little bastard once it makes its journey through your small intestine? Is this where Avian Flu really comes from? Yet another trickle-down effect of Global Warming? I mean, cripes where is Al Gore when you need him? And is it me, or has Al been having a little too much half and half in his coffee lately?

You peer into your coffee and there it is, doing a lazy backstroke in your wake-up juice. You squint your eyes and could swear that it winks and waves and is singing some old Simon & Garfunkel song. Eh. You shrug. Put the cup to your lips and drink it down. “Ah, morning coffee! Nothing like it. Oh waitress….”

Writer Chick (guest blogger)

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7 thoughts on “Cream Boogers

  1. Damn right! Drink it down. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Either that or slowly weakens you until you die anyway. That’s why people are so sick these days with all the anti-bacterial crap foisted on people. Todays immune systems are pansies. Keep giving it stuff to fight and it becomes a lean mean disease fighting machine.

    BTW, excellent post.

    You’re right Fuzz, we do suffer from whimpy-ass immune systems these days. I hear that living is dangerous for your health. Who knew? Glad you liked the post. WC

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  2. Hey fuzz got it right, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…and when it comes to coffee, your talking to the girl who used to call her blog “Just put that coffee straight into my IV please”!! I love it. I drink it. And a little “vitamin X” cannot stop the compulsion one has to simply skull that first one down in the morning….in fact vitamin X adds character! My 5 year old hears me say it so much she thinks vitamin X is as real as vitamin C……great first post!! Keep em coming..
    Cheers, Kelly

    Love Vitamin X, Kelly. I always try to consume from the four food groups: caffiene, chocolate, starch and sugar. WC

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  3. A cream booger. Writer Chick, your mind is a thing of wonder, but I’ve always known that. 🙂

    Great reading your work again. Didn’t know how much I’ve missed it until now.

    Pammy! Yep, a mind is a terrible thing to waste and mine has been wasting away for a long time. Glad you dropped by. Come back any old time.  WC

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  4. We don’t have any cool coffee shops around here. If they do open, they don’t stay open very long, and I typically don’t find them until right before they close. And if I do find them, they try too much to be like Starbucks. It’s really rather sad and depressing. No one uses real cream anymore. The world is going to hell.

    Yes, and in a hand-basket!  WC

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  5. Great post. I could feel my stomach churn as the end happened.

    Keep in mind, the bacteria in the booger is also in the cream. might as well gulp the booger on down.

    Good point! I guess there are enough bacterial varmits in there for a volley ball team then. Sorry for the stomach churn.   WC

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