There’s a candy on the market right now called “Dove Promises”, a decent piece of chocolate wrapped in colorful tin-foil. On the inside foil of every piece there’s a queer aphorism intended, I guess, to make you feel special and unique.
Here are a few of the priceless quotes:
“Go to your special place.”
“Dance like no one’s watching.”
“Write someone a love letter.”
“It’s definitely bubble-bath day.” (my personal favorite)
“Age is nothing but a number.”
“Hey, why not?” (as in, hey why not have another one fatso)
“Smile before you go to bed.” (and hopefully you’re not in front of a mirror, bucknaked)
“Watch reruns, they replay your memories.” (I just gagged. Could you hear it?)
I have to credit my wife with the idea for this post. She purchased a bag of these chocolates and started spouting off her own list of axiom’s that had me laughing out loud. Sometimes she’s a really funny woman.
So, instead of “Dove Promises”, without further ado, I give you my wife’s idea for a new fangled confection called “Pam’s Promises”.
Here’s some of the whacky wisdom you may find lovingly etched inside the wrapper of your candy:
“Congratulations! You just consumed 40 calories in less than 5 seconds!”
“Have another one, Tubby.”
“Next Stop: uncontainable diarrhea.”
“Why don’t you just change your name to Threechins?”
“It’s definitely time for a Big-Top Smock.”
“Aren’t you done yet?”
“Hey! XXL Sweatpants are on sale at Target. Better go buy some.”
“Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”
“Your ass just crossed the state line and you haven’t even left the couch yet.” (alright, I had to make up at least one)
I told her years ago, “Come over to the dark side, we have cookies.”
I think she just took a small step in that very direction.