Grinch

Colour me romantic but I’ve always dreamed of writing the perfect literary piece during the month of December.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the holidays are so emotionally charged and my innermost thoughts desperately need to find a home somewhere on a white page that I’m usually in the process of creating.
Sudden bursts of creativity just seem more spontaneous. Go figure.
Maybe it’s because the neurons existing in my cranium are inundated with subliminal messages to “just be happy”. You gotta love media-driven misguided NT's….(Neurotransmitters)

Life is good, no?

In reality, we are far, far away from the land of archetypal bliss. The failure to achieve what we perceive to be the summit of our contentment only fuels a feeling of contempt, a trait easily observed in the whacky world of retail.
People exude this sense of entitlement, making you feel that you will never give them what they think they truly deserve. It’s a sucky situation at best.
Expectation rises and fulfillment plummets as the holiday season moves through its paces. Merry freekin' Christmas, huh?
Anyone that says they’re truly happy at this time of year is in serious need of a full lobotomy; maybe some sodomy as well.
Sorry, just my opinion.

“Oh, I love fruitcake and eggnog!” (you are really sick, please get some psychiatric help, soon)

“Look at the snow! Isn’t it beautiful$!” (you must own a new snowplow or are a practicing Chiropractor)

“Ooh, I love Jingle Bells!” (You, my friend, are the ultimate serb in the Kingdom of Putzness)

Oh…my…God, Puhleeze… kiss my pimply and extremely Grinch-flavored butt!

The next person unfortunate and daft enough to ask if I’m done my Christmas shopping gets a dull butter knife in the forehead.
No questions asked.
This particular query is almost expected from a woman (they love to feel our oh, so inadequate pain) but from a man, it’s downright culpable.
What kind of man has his shopping done by the 6th of December?
Not many, I can assure you.
And if he does?
Watch out.
He’s a whacko.
Gift buying doesn’t cross the male radar when the December date is still in the single digits.
That is a simple reality people. Get used to it.

10 signs that you may be experiencing a severe joviality deficit:

  • You saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus- and witnessed some very heavy petting as well.
  • You’re getting coal in your stocking this year…and you like it.
  • You have a new found respect for January 1st.
  • You despise Halle Berry because her name is way too close to “Holly Berry”.
  • The current “BMW is better than mistletoe” ad on TV makes you want to gag. And you do….
  • You experience an irresistible urge to bitchslap anyone silly enough to proclaim, “I’m all done my Christmas shopping!”
  • Reindeer. The other white meat. It’s not just for pulling the sleigh anymore and makes for one helluva nasty chili.
  • Falling snow is sadly no longer romantic and captivates you about as much as watching a faucet drip.
  • The sound of sleigh bells is just a precursor to the total emptying of your wallet.
  • You totally relate to the Grinch before his epiphany.

~m

Ps.
As far as me writing the perfect piece during the month of December?
This is definitely not it…

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