Sweetleaf and the Nosmo King

The following is a list of dos and don’ts when entering an age-old cigar shop to purchase a stogie. My daily exposure to the sheer stupidity sometimes astounds me.
Some customers are really fascinating people with stories and anecdotes that make the job worthwhile.
But there are others that think that what we do is some kind of sophomoric game that requires no skill or brains and that we’re there for their entertainment.
This is for those customers.

Do your homework and have a clue as to what you want. I’m not clairvoyant.
Saying things like, “I’ve never done this before, “and “I have no idea what he/she smokes,” doesn’t help your cause.
I’ll just assume you’re an idiot and sell you something I personally like.
In most cases, your stupidity has served you well.
This applies to men and women.

 

If you’re a guy and come in asking for a raspberry and coconut flavored cigar, we will say (after you’ve left, empty handed), “Wow. What a dickhead.”

 

Don’t ask for my opinion if you have no intention whatsoever of taking it. You’re wasting my time and really cheesing me off.
I may end up selling you something I can’t seem to give away because it sucks so bad.

 

After I’ve totaled your purchase and I’m in the middle of counting you back your change, please dear God, don’t say, “Oh, wait, I’ve got the 36 cents, if that makes it easier.”
Your window of opportunity closed 30 seconds ago, douche bag.

 

This applies to the ladies:
If you come in to buy cigars for your hubby or boyfriend, cover your mouth and nose and glare at me while I smoke my cigar before asking, “Why is it so smoky in here?!” ,
you may want to consider going to CVS to buy some stale, short-filler, tastes like a rolled-up NY Times, cigars.
The end result won’t be quite the same in terms of product, but you’ll be able to uncover your nose and your mouth and take in the exotic honeysuckle perfume of the 86 year old woman standing next to you buying Depends.

 

Never come into the store and ask, “Hey, do you guys sell cigars here?!”
That may have been funny when Roosevelt was in office but it’s getting a bit old these days. We won’t laugh but we will say to each other (while you’re still in the store)
“Wow. What a dickhead.”

 

More phrases and questions we hate to hear:

 

“How much are these bad boys?”

 

“Jeepers, I feel like a little kid in a candy store.”
(Yeah, the first one is one the house, kid. Inhale deeply.)

 

“Do you guys sell bongs?”

or

“Do you guys sell small pipes?”
(Does it look like a head shop, buddy? I didn’t think so.)

 

Sometimes I think people assume we’re just burnt out and unintelligent salespeople.
We do burn out from time to time but we’re not simpletons.
We know what we’re doing simply because we’ve done it for so long.
We can usually send you out with exactly what you want if you would just shut your cakehole long enough for us to ask a few simple questions.
But do you?
Nooooo.
I guess that would make my job too easy. Ughh.

 

Should you walk in and make a point of letting me know how much more knowledgeable you are regarding cigars, I will gladly hand you the coveted “Chump of the Day” award, an imaginary trophy given to the biggest bonehead of the day.
We give one away on a daily basis, get here early and show us your stuff.

 

Anyone who is in the retail field can associate with the consumer mentality I’m talking about here. Sometimes you just have to scream, ya know?

 

~m

~ by ~m on September 13, 2006.